FIRE FALL DOWN

This prayer, this cry, is so much more than three words put together and played to a catchy tune. When fire falls, it burns and causes damage to everything in it's path on the way down. Fire can destroy things, but at the same time, when something is exposed and engulfed in fire-can become purified. Something new and beautiful, something pure, can be the result of fire. Fire hurts, fire removes the unclean and burns away any remaining impurities. Many things in this world, this life, cannot endure the fire. Some of the most beautiful things created, had to withstand the hear and discomfort before they could become the thing of beauty that they are today. Throughout the pain and suffering, comes something beautiful and perfectly made, flawless in the creators sight.


"For you, O God have tested us;
you have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
you laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
but you brought us out to rich fulfillment."

-Psalms 66:10-15

blur.

This past week of my life has been a blur. In a matter of 72 hours i have lost someone I loved, got in a car accident with a teenager on a cell phone, gotten sick, my room mate left forever, and i couldn't make it home today because on the NY thruway, my car hood flew up and shattered my windshield. i cannot deal with this. I keep telling myself God has things in control, and i trust him, i do...but sometimes the tests i have to endure are so difficult.

whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger

grandpa.

Angels must have gotten lonely, i think. Maybe God forgot how to laugh. It might have gotten too quiet up there. Nobody can play the saxophone like you could here on earth, maybe God wanted to hear it for himself. Maybe there was a little girl up there who needed the best grandpa that there ever was. I keep on trying to make excuses for you going away. As sad as it makes me, and although i feel a piece of me is missing, I'm at peace. I can not be angry at God for taking you to be with him. I can't say that I blame him, because it was my grandpa that had the biggest heart, the warmest hugs, the loudest laugh that couldn't help but make me smile. I'll miss you on holidays and birthdays, and Sunday specials, on beautiful days, and every time I hear 'thats amore'...or eat pasta. Which is almost all of the time. You were always the strongest person I knew, and I still even believe now that this thing didn't beat you. You didn't lose the fight. You chose to let go, and i'm okay with that.

Heaven just got a little brighter.
I love you and miss you always

oh,october.

Today was campus cleanup. The entire school was outside in the rain raking and cleaning. There was not one clean person in the cafeteria come lunch time. MEANWHILE myself, along with erika and a few others were indoors the whole day cleaning practically every inch of the building. Now,normally I would pick being outside over cleaning any day however, given the circumstances... I'm taking it as my own personal favor from God himself. Needless to say, I am a grateful,content, and dry college student. Besides the point that I'm pretty sure that half the student body hates me because of that. Not literally of course.Okay so now that I've given a somewhat unnecessary recap of my day,i actually have nothing left to say.Shocked, I'm sure (: ♥

plastic.

It's days like today that slowly convince me that each person is as sincere as the smile they fake. People are so quick so say "hello" and give a friendly gesture, but at the same time, just as quick as they smiled they stab you in the back and walk away. If you don't like someone, why pretend you do? It just doesn't make any sense to me. Say what you think & act like you feel. I've come to a point in my life that I don't have time to go along with the monotonous games that we insist on playing every day...because when you really think about it, you're ultimately only fooling yourself. So yeah, from this point on I decided to be completely real. I have been for the most part, but something that took place today made me realize that maybe I don't come across as the person I really am. It's not okay to judge people based on a first impression- even though we subconsciously do; I think it's only fair to try and get to know the person before deciding you don't like them, or maybe you do. I know I've been wrong about first impressions before, so that means that other people ( especially ones at this school) definitely are. Give people a chance to show who they really are.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

People are never who they appear to be.People will hurt you and let you down. People live life for themselves. We are selfish, self-centered,vain, & careless. Some may be better at hiding it than others -but we all fall short. Yesterday I realized the reality of the human nature. We have such a built in defense mechanism. At the first sign of insult, in a matter of seconds we snap and lash out with a witty come-back. I don't believe anyone when they claim that words can never hurt them. Take it from someone who has been called every name you can think of. You may be really good at pretending ; but that doesn't mean they don't hurt.

I think that people try so hard to hide their feeling because they are so scared of others seeing them for who they really are. Behind the facade they put up, each person is hurting and broken inside- just like the next person. To be transparent is to be vulnerable. That means the potential of getting hurt. think that scares people more than anything. Including myself ; Lowering my walls in order to let people see me as the imperfect and flawed being I am, absolutely terrifies me.

Beauty of Change

So I found something I wrote the day I left Long Island in my dorm today and realized that I should have posted that instead yesterday. HOWEVER, i don't want to delete anything i wrote because obviously i wrote it for a reason. So, here it goes:

My entire "life" is crammed into the trunk of a green mini-van and the backseat of my car. I guess you never realize how attatched you become to just things. That's just how life is though,you collect things along your journey and sometimes, we let our experiences and choices dictate who we are. But eventually, at one point or another you need to leave certain aspects of your life behind.

Through my tears as i pulled out from in front of my house- saying goodbye, I realized the beauty of change. Yeah, i might be sad for a little while, but i finally have a chance to start over. I can leave my past here and move on. I guess this is growing up right?

Change is scary -but im up for the challenge;
I'm excited to see who i become throughout the process.

Saying goodbye

In this past week I have packed my life away in shoe boxes and plastic bins. I have said my goodbye's to my home; and with vision blurred by tears I have driven off of Long Island and stepped jumped into this new chapter of my life. Cliche i know, but there is no other way to describe it. It's bittersweet really, throwing away everything that you thought mattered ,to gain the one thing that actually does.